Happy New Year, you gorgeous creatures! At the end of each year, we gather around with our Sugar Daddy, Sugar Baby, family, friends, and that random guy you met at the bar to kiss the old goodbye and welcome in the new. Time and again there are two questions everyone asks to break the party’s first hour ice: Did you get everything you wished for this Christmas and what are your New Year’s Resolutions. However nothing is duller than hearing the same thing year after year. Here are the top New Year’s Resolutions that are tried, but never true…
1. Lose 10 pounds or go to the gym more often
It took some work. But, after hours of being couch sitting, potato chip crunching, and soda chugging you finally gained 10 pounds! What’s that? Oh, you didn’t mean to gain weight. You’re going to stop being unhealthy less than 24 hours from now? If my math is correct, 10 pounds every year since you were sixteen would mean that in 365 days, you should be thinner than Kate Moss. I’ll be sure to take a picture.
2. Control my temper, or be more patient
How about you replace this with ‘be honest with myself’, meaning ditch the things or people that piss you off in the first place.
3. Save more money, or find a better job
“Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.” As for finding a better job, the mere fact that you are trying to weasel out of your responsibilities says a lot. How about working on being more proactive and involved at your current job? Just a thought.
4. Stop eating sweets, or salty food
Ever tried to tell a woman, or a Sugar Baby for that matter, to not overindulge? Make a resolution to treat yourself and overindulge whenever you have the chance. Deprivation is why those foods are so bad for you in the first place.
5. Say nice things about others
Why? I mean, unless they deserved it. There is nothing more offensive than a false compliment.
6. Get organized
Seriously, stop fighting your nature. Unless you plan on hiring a personal assistant(which would go against Resolution number 3 and put you in a bad position for number 2), please drop this off your list. Even with the assistant, you’d still misplace your lip gloss in your purse.
7. Travel to new places
I’ll keep it simple for this one. Do as Nike says, Just Do It.
8.Smile more often
So, you plan on being perpetually delusional happy for 365 days? I’ll prepare your emergency bag for the psychiatric visit due in May. After you have a mental breakdown because everyone thought nothing is wrong when it was.
9.Forget about [name of ex-Sugar Daddy/ Sugar Baby or boyfriend/girlfriend]
Each day of the year you will fail. You will be thinking about forgetting him or her to keep your resolution, how are you supposed to forget them? Worst of all 364 days from now, you will have the same resolutions again!
10. Spend more time with family and friends
How about you just start calling other than when you need something?
11. Quit/ do less drinking or smoking
Are you crazy? The later—this is what? Your 10th cold-turkey stint this year?
12. Volunteer or help others
The effort is endearing. Really. But, honey, do you even know where the soup kitchen is? You never wear a bun, let alone a hairnet. Reading your other 10 Resolutions, I think you should really focus on improving yourself first until you dabble into other’s lives.
What are your New Year’s Resolutions?
Have you ever been guilty of one of the twelve?