4 years ago
How to End Your Sugar Relationship
  • Posted Feb 26, 2013

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Breakups are a bitch–plain and simple. They are sometimes drawn out, sometimes instantaneous, but  always painful. Luckily, for most sugar relationships, this aspect of separation is non-existent. Unlike the traditional boyfriend-girlfriend dynamic, arrangements offers one key advantage: honesty.

Before the arrangement even begins, Sugar Daddies and Sugar Babies are encouraged to be sincere and open about what they expect and want in a relationship. With sugar, honesty is the best policy.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. Whether it is a Sugar Daddy relocating for work, or a Sugar Baby accepting a job offer, there comes a time when the arrangement may not be ideal. Goodbyes are always hard, especially when the dynamic is so mutually beneficial. But as hard as it is to separate, remember this: a break-up is not an end, it is an opportunity.

So how exactly do you end your sugar relationship without the drama? Here are some common ways to avoid leaving your sugar on a sour note:

1.) Find Your Zen

Plan an all-day trip to the spa together. Relax and reminisce about all the good memories you two have shared and experienced.

2.) Shop ‘Til She Drops

Take her on one final shopping spree and treat her to an unlimited selection of her favorite designers.

3.) Go Out with a Bang

Spare no expense and throw one last going away party at her favorite club or lounge. Invite all her friends.

4.) Date Abroad

Surprise your sugar with a trip to an exotic location that you both have never traveled to. Add sentiment to your experience by recording the sights and sounds together.

5.) Set the Bar for Spoiling

Provide her with things that money can’t buy–cook a meal for her, prepare a bath, write her a final love letter, etc. Any guy can buy a gift, but a true gentleman will be there for her.  Sometimes it is the smallest gestures that make her fall the hardest…

 

What are some other ways to happily end your sugar relationship?

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231 Responses to “How to End Your Sugar Relationship”

  1. Farwai13 says:

    Rule #1 Never allow sb into your personal life. You dont need to share personal info. It will work in your favor down the line

    Rule#2 When its over , its over. Everything mentioned above is bullshit. Game over

  2. Daniel says:

    @Ellen. I know 2 SDs threatened with blackmail by their previously trustworth SBs. One was for more money, the other for a car. It happens more often than you think. Blackmail is a felony in the United States. Anyone being threatened like this should collect as muc proof as possible…..texts, emails, notes, etc., and go straight to law enforcement. In both previously mentioned incidents, a phone call from LE was enough to end it.

  3. myvelvetrope says:

    one of my SDs in the past ended our relationship with two dozen roses and a handwritten letter thanking me for our time together.

    That was absolutely perfect. :)

    I honestly would prefer a little notice but not a big event prior. Knowing it was ending nightmare the enjoyment of the event. Not knowing would mean the breakup was out of the blue.

  4. Silkbutterflyxx says:

    Hmm…lots of interesting comments. Personally I don’t see anything wrong with a last shopping spree etc. If the relationship ends on a good note and both parties are mature about it why not? With many of my non SD bfs we’ve had a last roll in the hay just for fun. We all go into the relationship/arrangement knowing full well that at some point its going to end and we go our separate ways but there’s no reason to throw a tit fit over it.

    As for being totally dependent on anyone..No way. Even with the best intentions, shit happens,people disappoint you etc etc. I’d rather keep my job and be sure I’m never gonna starve.

    I have also been attracting the wrong kind of attention on this site and others lately where SD’s seem to want a prostitute rather then a relationship however long or short, or they want really unmentionable pics lol. Good thing I have a sense of humor.

  5. EllenSugarB says:

    Dorky and WCSD … I agree with both of you in some ways. Past behavior can be a good predictor of future behavior. I wish it were that simple, but I think not. I think that how the person deals with things in their past, what they learn, and how those lessons are applied in the present is a better predictor of future behavior than just looking at the said behaviors in and of themselves.

  6. DorkyGuy says:

    @WCSD~ I am not saying that that is all that matters. Maybe there are extenuating circumstances that deserve consideration. However, I would rather decide who to trust based on information than instinct.

    I envy your ability to implicitly trust people in relationships. That is a nice place to be. Trust is one of those things that it takes a while for someone to earn with me.

  7. WCSD says:

    @Dorky – Does this mean that because the person tells you (or even has been) monogamous in the past that this is all that matters? Or that a bank will just loan you money, even with a good credit score, if you don’t show how you can pay it back. There is much more information in the present that to me (and again, only for me) shows me whether this is someone I want to pursue or not. I’m a unique individual, and so are they, and their (and my) past relationships were unique as well. I guess I implicitely trust people in relationships, and if I’m burned, I am, rather than going through an interview process that the people are going to filter anyway….

  8. DorkyGuy says:

    @WCSD; it matters because people are creatures of habit. Past behavior is a pretty darn good predictor of future behavior.

    It is the whole basis of FICO and credit scoring. “Should it matter that I haven’t paid my bills for the last 5 years? I promise to pay this time.” .

    If one person is looking for a LTR monogamous relationship, and the other person has a history of infidelity, then the past his highly relevant. It tells you where a person’s boundaries are, especially regarding honesty.

  9. WCSD says:

    I just wanted to comment on the ‘telling about my past’ question. In my opinion, the past is the past, and unless it impacts the present, why do I need to know. When I’m dating someone I don’t expect to grill or be grilled about all their/my past sexual experiences, and how they happened. If I’ve been with 100 escorts in the past, yet now I can prove I’m disease free, and committed to you, what does it matter? Now I don’t have that issue, but I’ve never beene ashamed of my sugar lifestyle, but that doesn’t mean I need to stand on a soap box and shout it to the world either! In my mine, if I’m asked about it, I’ll answer, or if it applies to the conversation, I’ll share my experiences, but other than that, who’s business is it to know what I did a year ago, 5 years ago, or yesterday?? And yes, that standard goes both ways.

  10. Treasured says:

    @ Dorky – Nope. You can’t 😀 Either you are born with it or not 😀

    BUT, for an additional price, on “Treasured’s Pleasure Island”, you will be told every day by our lovely ladies, how marvellous and amazing you are. Also, since you are a man – a far superior kind, it is only natural that you are entitled to a superior treatment. All the time. You have a cock after all 😀

    LOOOOOL

  11. Lo says:

    Dorky I’ll refer you to some of the guys I’ve dated, they’ll teach you everything you need to know

    London noooooo I like happy endings, tweak your profile like dorky said, screen like a mad man, but dont give up

  12. DorkyGuy says:

    “People who are higher in narcissim — whether they are male or female — are more likely to cheat. People who feel entitled to it, people who have what’s called avoidant attachment style where they tend to have more impersonal sex,”

    Is there a course that you can take to learn narcissism and avoidant attachment style? I don’t have those genes, and it seems like it would make life quite a bit simpler.

    @London~ I am sorry that has been your experience. There are several SDs that I know of (some on the blog) who approach it exactly as you describe (boyfriend with parameters), but it seems this is not the majority. Some SBs have reported that tweaking their profile changes the kind of man they attract, but I’m not sure if this applies for you. And yeah, lots of guys have flaws. Perfection is a pretty tough goal, and regrettably many guys can do very little about the fact that their bodies age.

  13. London Girl says:

    @ twiceshy “Mistresses. Long term mistresses. A true relationship, is where it’s at , I think Let’s start findamistress , for the SB and SD who are in it for the long haul ha ha ha!!”

    Call me naïve but that is honestly what I thought I was signing up for when I joined SA!

    It just really hasn’t been what I was expecting, maybe I was a bit stupid but I genuinely thought it was more in line with finding a generous bf with parameters firmly in place who was aware that I was expecting a little more than just words of support from him. I also approached it with the same expectations of a normal relationship in that I would find him attractive, there would be things in common and we would enjoy each other’s company etc.

    In contrast all I seem to have found are men who are so hideously unattractive physically that they have no choice but to pay someone to “date” them, men who want weird stuff sexually but don’t want to pay professional prices, older guys who are under the impression that a girl 30 or 40 years younger really wants to be with them and various other random oddballs.

    It’s a pity because I genuinely was attracted to this kind of relationship, for where I am in my life right now it would have been perfect and lord knows I could do with the help financially, but sacrificing my self-respect- which is what I would have to do to put up with any of them- just isn’t worth it.

    I don’t know whether SA was different a few years back pre-publicity, but my experience on SA really hasn’t been what I thought it would be.

    On the other hand the type of men I have encountered may have been attracted by the many self-proclaimed “sb’s” who seem to offer virtually anything as long as the price is right.

    I was expecting there to be a few guys who saw it as a step above prostitution, I’m surprised by the attitude of the girls though. If you’re meeting a complete stranger for the first time and agreeing that you’re going to have sex with him and receive $$$ then calling it an allowance doesn’t actually change what it is! And the fact that so many seem to think this is the norm and acceptable changes the premise of the whole website, not for the better in my opinion.

    I find it quite strange, if I had no problem having sex with complete strangers and was of that mindset then I think I would just join an escort agency and make serious money, why bother to be on a sugar-site?

    I don’t have a problem with prostitution but if that’s what they’re engaging in then they should at least be honest about it, not least it’s about being honest to themselves. I know there is also a counter-argument that the traditional idea of a sb is also prostitution but I don’t agree with that.

    Anyway, ultimately it’s horses for courses. It obviously suits the majority of people who are on SA so I’ll wish everyone the best and gracefully make my exit!

  14. Lo says:

    to be honest if my husband wants a sugarbaby, a mistress, a this a that, tons of sexual outlets other than the ones I can provide him…then gee golly whiz ill stay single and save myself the heartbreak and embarrassment lol. I haven’t been in an exclusive relationship in five years and I am still alive and well…

  15. Lo says:

    I loved that negotiating infidelity article…especially this part:

    But psychology professor Lawrence Josephs believes it is more personality type than gender that indicates whether a person might cheat.
    “People who are higher in narcissim — whether they are male or female — are more likely to cheat. People who feel entitled to it, people who have what’s called avoidant attachment style where they tend to have more impersonal sex,” are more prone to straying, he said.
    The professor also said people who experience lower levels of empathy or guilt tend to engage in more infidelity.

  16. Frank says:

    I agree, end it with a BANG!!! and then the next day, text your sb and tell her its over. lol (just kidding)

  17. twiceshy says:

    I say, End it with a BANG!!! Fireworks!! Fast cars racing through the streets! And carnival costumed revellers holding banners saying “It’s over, thanks for the memoriiieesss” …

    And really. What is there after a sugar relationship except memories for the SD?
    There is a lot of time invested, a lot of money…and many shared experiences. But while the SB gets tangible benefits, something that could stay with them for a very long time…what does the SD get? Not much.

    In many cases the SD is left with a space to fill. He may fill this with another SB, but as we have read on this blog some SDs do get attached.And sometimes it isn’t the SD that initiates “moving on”. And when that happens the space is not easily filled. Some SBs may not even want to be friendly at the end of the day.

    Many on the blog complain about SDs that are wooden, unemotional, and in some ways cold. They want emotion, they want warmth and excitement.
    But when it’s over, what do they leave their SDs with? Maintaining a business separation from a SB could be a defence mechanism for when it’s all over.

    Mistresses. Long term mistresses. A true relationship, is where it’s at , I think 😉 Let’s start findamistress , for the SB and SD who are in it for the long haul ha ha ha!!

  18. Treasured says:

    Newbie SB – Darling, there is plenty of advice throughout the blog. Just read it.

    I bet, most SBs, who are successful, really don’t have time to mentor another SB.

  19. Treasured says:

    Hmmm… Sugar and married men….

    In my opinion – perfect combination 😀
    As long as YOU, can stay emotionally unattached (looking back into Treasured’s Sugardating guide book – always choose a guy, who is not perfect 😛 )

    Married man is a security that he won’t stalk you, won’t demand a relationship, won’t want more, will NOT want you to spend holidays with him, etc. etc. etc.

    Just exactly what I need at this point of my life 😀
    (Hmm… Unfortunately life is a funny thing, and throws “feelings” at you, when you least expect. Still, in my case, it is unrelated to Sugar 😀 )

    And, I agree with Frank. A GOOD SB is a actually good for your marriage 😀

  20. texasugah says:

    Frank- one of the benefits if having a sugar who is right thinking is that she is that respite you need. She can help you muddle through life’s trials and suprises.
    I understand your confliction…but you sound very aware of where and what sugar is in your life. Enjoy it.

    • SD Guru says:

      Just catching up over the past few days. I see that you know who made an appearance.

      Re: The blog topic

      I wrote a ten part series called “The Last Hurrah” in my blog about a breakup. Enjoy!

      Re: Married SD’s

      Here’s my take on the subject in my blog.

      @Anthony
      “What recourse does an SD have if he’s not single and he’s been threatened by his former SB to contact his spouse”

      As you can see from the comments there was a lot of speculation because you didn’t provide much detail. Perhaps you can tell us more about what prompted her action and why she’s doing it. The answer to your question will depend on the situation.

      @EllenSugarB
      “STILL, I don’t think it’s blackmail. I’m just having a hard time believing that a SB would do such a thing.”

      Just because you can’t fathom something doesn’t mean it can’t happen. It probably happens more often than people would like to admit.

      @Judith
      “Can somebody tell me why my blog post was deleted?”

      Please note that when someone posts under a new name or new email addy, the post is automatically moderated. In your particular case, since you started posting about 4 months ago you’ve used a dozen different names. I don’t know why anyone would do that, but don’t be surprised when your posts disappear.

      @Lo
      “are other peoples comments being waited on moderation or did somebody report me???”

      For the comment in question, does it make sense to promote other sugar sites in the SA Blog?

      @DorkyGuy
      “I talked to an ex-escort about this topic once, and she said that if she ever married, she would want the guy to see escorts…”

      That concept is called “Negotiated Infidelity“.

  21. Frank says:

    Texasugar- I am a married SD, and am often conflicted. But realistically, if I didn’t have the sugar outlet, my marriage would quickly fail. So, my SB is not breaking up my marriage, she is helping to stabilize it.

  22. texasugah says:

    Hello all.. It’s been a moment since I have visited the blog. Looks like most of the people I knew are gone. It’s nice to see some new people and new perspectives.

    While I was reading I was very interested in how the discussion has evolved.

    @dorkyguy Being a sugar has definitely opened my eyes to marriage and men. I sometimes look at women and wonder..” do they know that their husbands are looking for something extra?” or ” is this just something that is accepted by wives when their husbands reach a certain income level?”

    I don’t think that sugars should try to break up a marriage. I personally wouldn’t want to be the reason why a man divorced his wife. I figure, if he did it to her..he’ll do it to me. I have more respect for the man who is looking for something extra but is still loyal to taking care his family while he’s taking care of me.

    Just my 2 cents. Anyone else?

    TS

  23. Frank says:

    @Treasure-But, yes, I still remember every one of them,
    And I bet every one of them remembers you too!

    Ellen, we are glad you are in a happy place now!

  24. NewbieSB says:

    Hello everyone!

    I’m brand new to the sugar world, and what a world it is! I’ve been following this blog for a short while, and I was wondering if there are any vet SB who I would be able to chat with, as this world is slightly overwhelming to say the least. Someone who can teach me some ‘dos and don’ts,’ if you will. It would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks from Toronto, Ontario

  25. EllenSugarB says:

    “Even though it would make my sugar life much easier, I avoid married men–I feel an arrangement with them would jade me.”

    I had an affair because I was majorly effed up physically, mentally, and emotionally from a prior relationship. Then I fell ill and couldn’t work for a few months and had no income. The guy took care of me and gave me the support and companionship that I needed at the time. Then I got attached (like a lot of people do after trauma), and then the relationship continued. I was seriously screwed up for a while, and had very little to offer in the context of a ‘real’ relationship. When I actually got right with myself and was happy again – a married man was not at all appealing to me. Now I have this one married “straggler” left and I’m really just looking for a reason to cut him loose. I don’t need the money at all, I can get sex anywhere, and now I’m in a place where I can have a real relationship and a married guy can’t give that to me, so there’s no point. I’ll be the first one to admit that I was in a dark time for the past couple years, but now that I’ve been back to being happy for a good while now married sugar isn’t that appealing anymore. But sugar itself is appealing, and will hopefully be a component in my future relationships. I like being spoiled by my man, so what?

  26. EllenSugarB says:

    Good points, Lo. My ex also really valued monogamy and that’s what made me want to marry him. However, I still accepted the fact that somewhere down the line his ideals were likely to be met with the harsh reality that he was itching for something new – at which time he should tell me as opposed to going behind my back and lying.

    I forgot about the swinging…Id likely be ok with it. But I’d rather hire a professional as opposed to doing it with someone we know.

  27. EllenSugarB says:

    “Given what you guys have observed in the sugar world, especially having dated married men, has it changed your attitudes toward real relationships?”

    My experiences in the sugar world, like many of my other life experiences, only confirmed what my parents told me long before:

    Affairs are common among married people. There are some marriages where neither party ever has an affair.

    Best advice given independently from both parents: Don’t worry about looking for someone who you think will be a good father to your children. The priority is finding someone who you think will be a good husband to you.

    …Again, my experiences in sugar have only further confirmed these ideas.

  28. Lo says:

    Even though it would make my sugar life much easier, I avoid married men–I feel an arrangement with them would jade me. I’ve done a bit of adult work, although not escorting, and after being exposed to the male psyche for some time I now can understand a guy’s need for porn or to visit a strip club for visual variety.

    If it got to the point where my hubby was itching for experimentation or someone other than myself, then I’d consider swinging. This way there’s no emotional cheating, no going behind the others back which imo is the demise of a relationship, and it’s purely for sexual release.

    I know that a large percentage of people cheat, but I also think it depends on the characteristics of the individual. Monogamy was a huge part of my ex’s value system. Integrity, loyalty, and sticking with one woman made him feel like the man he was. He wasn’t even into the idea of going to the strip club. This is actually the kind of guy I would like to marry actually.

  29. EllenSugarB says:

    I’ve had a couple serious boyfriends, and even an ex-fiancee, who had seen escorts in the past. It didn’t bother me. They were lonely at the time and wanted companionship. Its a basic human need. I would rather they see an escort than be lonely and miserable.

    I would be upset if they chose to let the relationship develop to the point of love/engagement without telling me these things. I’m the type to ask those kind of questions, so that means they would have had had to lie to me about it at some point. I would have a hard time getting over the lies, if ever.

    If the guy had been married and seen escorts or had sugar relationships, I wouldn’t be surprised. I think most married men (and women too) cheat, I’d say maybe 70% or more. Again, I would have more of a problem with the lies than with the behavior. So, if the wife knew about the escorts and sugar then it’s not a big issue.

    The hard truth is that people cheat on their spouses. Lots of people cheat on their spouses. So, you either have an intimately personal friendship in your marriage built on a ground of love, support, and acceptance … or you pretend to be something you’re not just to keep it afloat and walk on eggshells over a living hell so long as you both shall live.

  30. DorkyGuy says:

    It is interesting to see the different perspectives.

    I talked to an ex-escort about this topic once, and she said that if she ever married, she would want the guy to see escorts, and might even introduce him to her escort friends. Her reasoning is that over a long-term relationship, he would eventually crave an extra-marital sexual outlet, and she would rather he have that outlet where no emotions are involved, rather than having an affair.

    It was clear that what she observed in her hobby had impacted how she approaches real relationships, especially in her expectations of men.

    Given what you guys have observed in the sugar world, especially having dated married men, has it changed your attitudes toward real relationships?

  31. Treasured says:

    I actually would appreciate a guy being honest.

    I would certainly, prefer to know the truth, than him keeping quiet.

    And, no, not a dealbreaker for me. Even if he visited escorts while being married.

    Every person and every relationship is unique. And, one should not be judged.

    And, if he would choose to share something, as intimate and, in a way, still taboo, with me, that would show, that US are actually doing fine. It takes a lot of trust in a relationship to be so totally honest.

  32. Lo says:

    I wouldn’t mind if he’s hired an escort, as long as he didn’t make it a routine thing and had a good reason for it and I didn’t get creepy mccreepster vibes from him…

  33. sTacy, says:

    Dorky – this will sound funny, but in a REAL relationship escorts, ever, are a deal breaker – especially if while he was married, gross! Keep that buried!

  34. DorkyGuy says:

    Gals, flipping it around a little… Let’s say you meet a terrific guy in real life, and things are getting serious. You think he might pop the question. It’s a possibility. Then, he divulges that during a previous marriage, he has done sugar dating and maybe even visited escorts. Do you wish that he had divulged that sooner, or do you not care?

  35. Treasured says:

    Frank, ummm….. The number IS MUCH LOWER that that 😀

    Since, I did have a few long relationships, in which I have been monogamous.

    But, yes, I still remember every one of them 😀

  36. sTacy, says:

    Ellen – a guy who hacked into your personal accounts and learns secrets, is a psycho. It isn’t like he can use any of the information and confront you with it. Why would he hold sugar dating against you? “I dated this married guy, He was super generous to me, He treated me like a complete princess.” You know the problems a guy would have with that? Jealousy. It creeps me out when people disclose personal information tome too early. Keep a lid on it for at least the first three months.

  37. Lo says:

    He’s been bugging me forever to hang out, it’s just that when the day finally comes he’s a total weirdo about it so I’m over it. I think he’s one of those endless texters that never really goes anywhere. And I don’t think he’s married unless he’s lying about his status on his profile.

  38. sTacy, says:

    Lo – is he married? If so, give him a little more leeway on the flakiness of time of day, it can be tricky finding excuses to get away from the wife. Otherwise, I agree with the others, sounds like he’s not that into you and you need to train him or leave him.

  39. Lo says:

    yes I agree…I shall be looking for other SDs…

  40. Frank says:

    Ok, had to take the challenge. If someone were 27, and they became sexually active at the age of 18, and had a different boy friend every other month on average, (not counting break up sex with strangers lol) one would have about 54 different sex partners. You would have to have a photographic memory to keep track of that!

    I once went out with a girl back in college days, and after we had sex for the first time, she had to take my picture. I later figured out she was keeping a record of all her “boyfriends”

    Wasn’t it one of the basket ball stars that had 1000’s of women he had been with. Who wants to claim the record on our blog.

  41. Nemi says:

    Hi, I am looking for some friends from AZ to meet for a friendly coffee… Anybody interested :) Already have a SD… but it would always be interesting to meet somebody new.. and even better to meet some SBs…

  42. Treasured says:

    Lo – I do not have time for wishy-washy (unless the wishy-washy transfers a nice amount on my bank account every month).

    I would say, keep him, enjoy gifts, but look for another SD. Or, better, a couple :)

  43. Treasured says:

    Sugar past… As well as present and the future 😀

    Well, I am at the lucky stage of my life, where I have the liberty of being exactly as I am. And the person, who wants to be with me, has to accept me as I am as well.
    And, I do not feel I have done anything shameful or awful. So, I have nothing to hide… And, you either accept it or move on :)

    Actually… The person, who is very special to me at the moment… I am not sure what to call him yet. Let’s say someone, for whom I feel, knows not only about my past SDs, but also about the fact, that I still have them. And, he is probably the only person in the world, except me, who even knows the truth about how many sexual partners I had. And… There are a few 😀

  44. EllenSugarB says:

    flyR, flyer, Flyr, FLYr, Thank You.

    Ellen

  45. FLYr says:

    @ellen – no I do not think a woman needs to discuss her prior life with a new love interest unless she had a full page ad in some escort section. Affair with married man , although I am not a fan of them it’s old news unless he happened to be a senior military officer , but the President’s ok. No security risk.

    I just do not see a significant difference between most of what happens on SA and what happens at a penthouse party in NY or a bar in LA. You have groupies following the band; we had “pit lizards” at the races. In those places where coke was the amusement of choice (not mine) you an unending supply of blonds.

    The only difference with SA is if your facially recognizable pictures are left there . That’s probably not a good idea as they will be there forever

  46. EllenSugarB says:

    Lo, I second Dorky’s approach. I’ve done the exact thing. It worked.

  47. EllenSugarB says:

    Flyr – “She certainly does not think a “confession ” is in order if she starts dating someone who did not offer the same.”

    The same what? The same lifestyle, or the same confession.

    Somebody has to start the confessions first.

    Guys I date IRL usually DO offer the same lifestyle, or better.

  48. DorkyGuy says:

    Lo, seems to me that if you reply “I’m sorry, but I wasn’t able to clear my schedule on short notice”, and suggest a time the next day, that’s a good approach. If he asks why you scheduled something else, tell him that he didn’t give you a time so you didn’t know when to keep clear. After you do this a couple of times, he’ll learn to suggest a time and keep it.

  49. EllenSugarB says:

    Perhaps I should clarify, it’s not JUST the sugar lifestyle for which I am concerned about being judged. More so, it’s the fact that I had an affair with a married man.

    Stacy, “Ellen, why would your sugar past be on the Internet? It sounds like maybe you have more than just a little sugar dating out there in the Googleverse.”

    HAHA…guys I wasn’t saying that a techie guy would “out” me. I meant that he could “find out” about me, albeit unethically and possibly even illegally. …Not much on googleverse for me. The only thing on the internet in my professional resume. I don’t have a FB acct. Any online profiles are under a nickname and don’t have clear pictures of me. etc … I was more inferring that the techie genius would be able to crack into my personal computer/phone/email accounts and “dig up” information that way, and at some point down the line one of my own friends/family might make a comment about it. On that note, ANY guy could hire a techie genius to do the same.

    I agree with you, Frank, that it’s wiser to wait to talk about the sugar past (or any past with exes).

    Just like Lo said, sugar is still taboo. There are some people who have some strong negative feelings about it. I wouldn’t want to fall for some guy, then he comes to find out about my past, and doesn’t accept it, then we break up because he claims deceit. I like to put all of my “bad stuff” out there BEFORE I get too emotionally attached to someone, and usually far before I sleep with them. I don’t want to hear any bs like “oh but I didn’t know THAT before I got involved with you.”

  50. Lo says:

    he’s tracked me down on personal email when we lost touch for a couple weeks, he’s bought me virtual gifts through the site–not on SA but another similar site, but still annoyed by his approach…if you guys have an opinion by tonight that would be awesome

  51. Lo says:

    how do you ladies deal with a potential SD that’s wishy washy and not at the same time? Like you’ll have a day where you’re set to meet up with him, but you’ll have to be the one to remind him. Then the day comes and he still hasn’t set a time so you’re over it, and then later that day he’ll say something like I can definitely meet up right now and says how much he wants to meet you. It’s just disorganized and messy, and I don’t know if he’s serious enough about meeting..and too be honest its really annoying. I like when an arrangement is clear and business like and this doesn’t feel like that. As a side note..he’s an inexperienced SD but we’ve been talking since November and are supposed to be meeting up tomorrow. I asked him at what time are we meeting up, and he didn’t answer that part of my text. I kind of wanna call it all off…thoughts?

  52. FLYr says:

    @Ellen B “So blog mates…What is a girl to do when she finds herself in the midst of a Sugar Exit Plan, begins to date in the real world, and really likes the guy – does she tell him about her sugar past, or does she keep it in the Sugar Closet?”

    I keep going back to the “conventional” social model. I’m at a dinner party of friends and acquaintances and dates etc. I mention that my date flaked and I am going to the Super Bowl, Vegas, skiing , Academy Awards, major concert with front row tickets, alone . Chances are somebody approaches me and says she’s the perfect date……… She certainly does not think a “confession ” is in order if she starts dating someone who did not offer the same.

  53. Lo says:

    sugar dating IS still considered a little taboo in this society. Perhaps coming out with it so soon would have him worried you’re a gold digger and not just a GOAL digger like Brandon calls it.

  54. Bella says:

    Huh, a few of the non-sugar lovers I have now know about my sugar dating and have no problem with it, in fact they find it interesting and ask me a lot of questions about it. They also lament the fact that they don’t have tits and therefore wouldn’t be able to find much of a market for sugar dating for themselves hahaha. 😛

    If a guy can’t handle my sugar past ( when I decide to start dating again, obviously) then he sure as hell won’t be able to handle the darker parts of my history. He’d be an automatic write-off.

  55. Frank says:

    Ellen, not sure how even a geek could out you, in any case you should wait to have that conversation.

  56. sTacy, says:

    Ellen, why would your sugar past be on the Internet? It sounds like maybe you have more than just a little sugar dating out there in the Googleverse.

  57. Jersey Darling says:

    Sugar doesn’t become a skeleton in the closet if you treat it like regular dating. Only difference is the guys I date from here have the means to support me.

  58. RT says:

    Anyone noticed the “wishlist” button on SA website? It is not working….

  59. EllenSugarB says:

    Good points, Dorky. I agree.

    eHarmony….hmmmmmm….not for me…Personally, I prefer Meetup.com. No blog. And no pressure of a one-on-one date.

    I’m on the hunt to meet new friends (non-sugar). So far my interest groups are: Art & Wine, Hiking, Outdoor Activities, Stock/Commodity Trading, Ruby, WordPress, Hackerspace, Robotics Club, 30’s Single, Technology Networking, Yoga, The Restaurant Club.

    Then I’ll find someone I like and have the proverbial conversation that begins with “There’s a few things I haven’t told you. And before you hear them from someone else. To clear up misconceptions, I’d rather tell you myself. There was a time…”

    Always an interesting conversation. Some people may argue that I should leave the sugar skeleton in the closet where it belongs, fearing that I may scare away a lot of “good guys” with my past. That may be true. But…whats done is done. If they can’t accept my sugar past then they aren’t the one for me. Since I seem to attract and be attracted to very smart, geeky, technology genius types – I figure they will dig up every last detail about my past anyway – so they might as well hear it from me.

    So blog mates…What is a girl to do when she finds herself in the midst of a Sugar Exit Plan, begins to date in the real world, and really likes the guy – does she tell him about her sugar past, or does she keep it in the Sugar Closet?

  60. DorkyGuy says:

    @Ellen~ I think that during that time, it was mostly about priorities. I didn’t get drunk either… because after working two jobs and school, all I wanted to do was sleep.

    I am glad to say that 20 year has passed since then, and in the interim years I managed to find love, get married, and have two glorious kids who are my world. So I don’t think I’m a completely lost cause emotionally.

    I probably have a lot more limits on new experiences than you guys may think are healthy. Emotions are there, but reserved only for close friends and family. Not for whirlwind affairs. It is precisely because my emotions can be strong that I have learned to keep them in check and properly directed. I have learned that succumbing to my emotions can be very, very expensive. That may have something to do with why we are chatting on a SeekingArrangement blog instead of an eHarmony blog.

  61. Frank says:

    Dork, don’t worry, as you get older you will have more and more emotions.

    Never cried for most of my life, now I can tear up at the simplest of things. Its quite embarrassing!

  62. EllenSugarB says:

    Dorky, I was trying to say that I personally believe that it would have been possible to have BOTH emotional experience AND success.

    Like yourself, a lot of successful people explain their reasoning for not having been emotionally involved with people in the past was due to the fact that they were busy getting ahead. I don’t buy it. No, I do not.

    I think that there are “types” – those who value and enjoy emotions, and those who do not value or enjoy them as much, and there are some who don’t understand emotions at all. There are also different types of intelligence: Emotional Intelligence being one of them. Naturally, people who rank higher on the emotional intelligence scale will gravitate more towards emotional experiences. People who are gifted with tech savvy will gravitate towards those activities. On some level, we attract what we are. If we don’t have a lot of emotional experiences or relationships, it could suggest that were just not that type of person.

  63. EllenSugarB says:

    Treasured, You’re not a b!tch. And I like hearing your opinions.

  64. DorkyGuy says:

    “Dare I say that the reason you missed out was partly due to choices on your part as a result of the things you value”

    I absolutely agree with that statement, and have no regrets regarding the choices I made. The end result is a much better life for my kids (and a much better future) than they would have otherwise.

  65. EllenSugarB says:

    “Both of my daughters have been through the “crying into their pillow over boys” phase, and I am glad for them that they have the luxury to do so, because I didn’t.”

    Dorky,”Crying in your pillow” is not a phase – it is a sign of emotion. Further, I would hardly consider experiencing emotions a luxury, but rather a crucial part of the human development process. It sounds like you missed out on this important form of human connection during your years of adversity. But I would hesitate to conclude that the reason you missed out on dating, girls, emotional “phases”, or emotions, in general was due entirely to your adversity. Dare I say that the reason you missed out was partly due to choices on your part as a result of the things you value (escaping poverty vs. human connection)? I can’t see anyone or anything stopping you from experiencing emotions if you truly wanted to experience them. It takes the blink of an eye to connect with someone on an emotional level. Once there is a connection, maintaining the relationship comes down to kindness and compassion. I guess we all have our strong points. Writing code is certainly not mine.

  66. DorkyGuy says:

    @Frank~ lol, are you reticent?

    @Ellen~ Amen! I don’t agree with the notion that brash and abrasive equals intelligent. There are plenty of very intelligent, opinionated women (and men), who also are low drama.

    Regarding blackmail… This is more common than you may realize. There was a guy in the news from this site who was blackmailed by 4 different SBs for over $200k before the FBI got involved. You and I probably come from the camp where we wouldn’t deal underhandedly with others, and find it hard to believe that others would. But, they do… and greed doesn’t know a gender barrier.

  67. EllenSugarB says:

    NOBODY chimed in on my threaten to tell the wife story ?!?!?!?! hahahaha

  68. EllenSugarB says:

    Im still entirely convinced that Frank and Jack are the same person.

    Swiss: Wow…keep it coming. You’re funny! I agree that the blog can be cliquish…but then, what group of friends isn’t to some degree?

    Dorky I hear what you’re saying about keeping the drama to a minimum. I have enough stress from work and general life stuff and don’t need to create drama for excitement in my personal relationships. Stress kills.

  69. Frank says:

    Darn it, can’t sleep.

    If you want a resume I’ll put it in writing
    It’s only good for a day and the contents are frightening

  70. Treasured says:

    @Swiss – mwaaahhh, my dear! Every time you write something, it cracks me up 😀 Keep on with the spice 😉

  71. Frank says:

    Family out of town, hour spin class, 2 hour hike to the cove in the cold wind with my border collie, lunch and now its nap time for this little SD.

  72. Frank says:

    nurse nurse having a code blues today, need TLC stat.

  73. Frank says:

    Dorky-I played 2nd accordion in that same band, but I left before it hit the big time.

    Treasure-You would have to kidnap me to get me away from my little world, not that I wouldn’t love to go!

    Bella-I love redheads!

    SwissSB- I thought we had settled this, not afraid of the big bad SB, not afraid of the big bad SB, NOT afraid of the big bad SB as I go whistling past the graveyard.

  74. Lo says:

    i like it swiss

  75. DorkyGuy says:

    There’s a few things I haven’t told you. And before you hear them from someone else. To clear up misconceptions, I’d rather tell you myself. There was a time…

    I rode a roller coaster from Coney Island to Key West. I held on with one finger, so the other ten could rest. It may be hard to believe, hard to comprehend… But baby, you didn’t know me when.

    I played third chair trombone, in an out-of-work polka band. We looked for gigs on ships in countries that had no land. It may be hard to believe we hit the top ten. But baby, you didn’t know me when.

  76. Bella says:

    @Frank, I could add a little ginger spice to your life. 😉

  77. Treasured says:

    Jersey, I am beeeaauutiful 😛 AND getting blonde 😀

    I am always excused for being impolite 😀

    hehehehehe

  78. Jersey Darling says:

    Oh Treasured…

    You’re not the only one who tells the truth, we all have truth to tell. Some of us are just more polite than others and realize that the truth is readily apparent without us having to say a word. 😀

  79. Treasured says:

    “Me, as your Head Doctor, and my team of accommodating nurses, will get you back to life!”

    Tirindindindindin 😀

  80. Treasured says:

    Well, once I get the suitable ladies, you will all be begging to be let in 😛

    It can even be put on your insurance, as a stress relieve therapy 😀 I will, after all, have a med degree 😀

    hehehehehe

  81. DorkyGuy says:

    @Treasured~ lol, it may just be! The trouble is getting the guys there. Even if it may be good for them, you may have to hunt them down with a tranquilizer gun.

  82. Treasured says:

    DAMN! THAT actually sound like a pretty good business idea 😀

    hehehehehe

  83. Treasured says:

    Frank, you can sign up for me kidnapping you, together with Dorky, and locking you on a pleasure island, with no communications to the outside world, until you learn to relax and let go a bit 😀

    Hmm… Do you think I should come up with the “Treasured’s Pleasure Island”, where successful men, upon arrival, will be stripped off their devices of modern communication, and pampered beyond belief – until they realise, that chilling out is as important as their work? 😀

  84. DorkyGuy says:

    “Then when I get home, I have to walk on eggs, watching every word I say.”

    @Frank~ I totally relate. That was the absolute worst thing about being married. I couldn’t ever just relax and be myself, because she’d find some stupid thing I said and make a federal case out of it. The marriage was between her and the person I always had to pretended to be, so that she couldn’t find some reason to be hurt by something I did or said. That kind of life is one of the first levels of hell. No more.

  85. Frank says:

    I for one like a woman who is intelligent and has opinions and adds a little spice to the bedroom, but I prefer ginger over cayenne pepper .

    But like Dork, have my own business, and its a constant fight, constant struggle. You have to be on your toes all the time. Then when I get home, I have to walk on eggs, watching every word I say.

    So when it comes to sugar time, I am ready to disengage, relax, not have to be on guard.

    So I can definitely understand where Dork is coming from. ( As I am typing here while sitting in my office on a Sat morning.)

    Treasure, I appreciate your forthrightness and your occasional glimpses into your personal life.

    Who was that masked Swiss SB- maybe she has some cayenne pepper to add to this conversation. Peace out everybody!

    “I’m the one that’s got to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.” Peace out Jimi!

  86. DorkyGuy says:

    “Dorky, another thing about you – you do tend to project a lot of things on yourself.”

    I’ll grant you that I’m not always the sharpest tool in the shed. If I say something offensive, it is more often the result of just being an idiot than intentional malice.

  87. Treasured says:

    Dorky, another thing about you – you do tend to project a lot of things on yourself.

    “Prostitute comment” did not come from you, but WCSD. 😉

    Re your reply to my post about once getting drunk as a teenager, made it sound as it was my priority.
    But, perhaps, I am seeing things which were not there :)

    Anyways, the fact is – I am not a malicious troublemaker. I am a human being too :) I am just not always capable of keeping my mouth shut, when I have an opinion.

  88. DorkyGuy says:

    “basically calling me a prostitute ” ~ I am completely lost. I have no idea what you are talking about. A) I don’t recall calling anyone a prostitute, and B) even if that were the case, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with girls who choose to do that.

    B) “your, “lovely” remark of you having other priorities, as a teenager, than getting drunk and crying over boys”. Those were not my priorities… Did you want me to say otherwise? I didn’t date because I was focused on escaping poverty and building a future. It was not intended as a jab at you, nor as an attempt to be intentionally hurtful. I was just saying that there wasn’t room in my life for those things. Both of my daughters have been through the “crying into their pillow over boys” phase, and I am glad for them that they have the luxury to do so, because I didn’t.

  89. Treasured says:

    ” We just would be better matched with people more similar to ourselves.”

    Official study was made, that actually people, who are different from each other, have more chances of staying together and enjoying each other’s company for longer, than those, who are similar 😛

    “Someone with your personality would be a terrific match for someone who is high energy and is a natural extrovert”
    You would be SO surprised 😉 And, nope, can’t go into details 😀

    “I think where you and I encounter friction is when you make comments that imply that people wired similarly to me either lack confidence, or the ability to handle women…”
    Nope. Introverts are not lacking the ability to handle strong women. They just need to be shaken a bit first, and obviously find the right woman 😛

    PS: I do NOT STRIVE on conflict. I just happen to have an opinion. And, an opinion, which does not corresponds with a comfortable opinion of everybody else, does create a natural conflict. BUT, it does not come from me. If you scroll through my posts, even in this topic, despite various attempts to insult me and actually try and make me appear, somewhat inferior, were evened up by me (basically calling me a prostitute and even your, “lovely” remark of you having other priorities, as a teenager, than getting drunk and crying over boys”.)
    By the way, I do share some very intimate moments and encounters on here. And, I happen to think, it is hitting slightly below the belt, to turn them around, and try to hurt me. 😉

    BUT, I am a big girl, and definitely can manage those. YET, most of the time, despite speaking up my mind, I try to stay away from making any references to someone in particular. And, prefer, at least, to make more general statements 😉

  90. DorkyGuy says:

    Yep, just turned 40 this year. And I don’t “hate” people like you. I don’t hate anybody. We just would be better matched with people more similar to ourselves.

    I enjoy a slower pace and minimum drama, to match my natural inclinations. I prefer Tchaikovsky to Black Sabbath. I prefer laying in the grass at a park to riding a roller coaster. I am not a good match for someone who thrives off of conflict and action, because I don’t. Someone with your personality would be a terrific match for someone who is high energy and is a natural extrovert. I don’t possess either of those traits. And that is not a flaw.

    I think where you and I encounter friction is when you make comments that imply that people wired similarly to me either lack confidence, or the ability to handle women… because we prefer women who don’t thrive on conflict. Can’t there be enough room in the world for people who are wired differently to exist without one group insulting the other?

  91. Treasured says:

    You would not have an option 😀 Withdrawal symptoms will be treated with various medicine, like generous amounts of alcohol and massages, given by a seductive local women 😀
    AND, you are not in a position to argue with me 😀 I am studying medicine 😀

  92. Treasured says:

    Dorky, how old are you? 40? 50? And you have been in a full on mode, since what? 14? No wonder you hate people like moi 😀

    You definitely need to get drunk a few times and have the feeling of emotional roller-coaster 😀
    You might even like it 😀

  93. DorkyGuy says:

    lol, that whole process would probably do me some good if we were to both survive my withdrawal fits! I’ve got that most annoying of business owner traits, where I feel that if I’m not in constant contact, the whole thing will self-destruct without me.

  94. Treasured says:

    Dorky – Chill a bit 😀 Live a little 😀

    You are one of those type of men, whom I want to strip of all computers/phones, kidnap to an undisclosed location, shake up a bit and teach a lesson or two in bed 😀
    Believe me, world would be a happier place 😀

    LOOOL

  95. DorkyGuy says:

    lol, my issue isn’t addiction to the blog. My issue is being a workaholic. The blog keeps me company while I code. It’s almost as pathetic, except that I’m actually being productive.

  96. Treasured says:

    It is late afternoon where I am 😀

    And, Dorky, if you are here at 6.30 am – you are addicted 😀

  97. DorkyGuy says:

    Ah, just like me to miss a point. Brain is not fully engaged yet this morning. What on earth are any of us doing online at 6:30am on a Saturday?

  98. Treasured says:

    Dorky – you missed the main point 😉 “The only person with whom you have to cut it – is me. And, the only place where you stop being snobbish is bedroom”.

  99. DorkyGuy says:

    Or, playing devil’s advocate, maybe men aren’t intimidated, but have just decided what they like and don’t like? And maybe after a long week slaying dragons in the corporate world, the last thing they want to have to deal with is a bitchy woman?

    Perhaps it has nothing to do with fear, insecurity, or “an inability to handle” a woman. I can “handle” Jehovah’s witnesses at my front door. I just don’t want to.

  100. Treasured says:

    As one highly successful man once told me “I prefer snobbish and slightly arrogant attitude. The only person with whom you have to cut it – is me. And, the only place where you stop being snobbish is bedroom”.

    Note to all SBs – really successful men like a bit of spice 😉 Just remember to stop with the cayenne pepper in the bedroom 😀

  101. Treasured says:

    By the way. An interesting observation.

    REALLY successful and powerful men are rarely intimidated by a woman who is self aware, has a sharp tongue, does not afraid to call things by their right names and is not kissing his ass all the time.

    Men, who do get intimidated by it, are usually highly insecure and, in a way, realise, that they would never be able to handle a woman like that. Which, in turn, makes them even more insecure and bitter. And we get the “I will only date an 18 y.o.” and “I like nice and sweet girls” – obviously, because they don’t have any other opinion except the one you feed them 😀

  102. DorkyGuy says:

    Somewhere in the world, billygoats are unable to cross a bridge in peace

  103. Treasured says:

    LOOOOOOOOL @ Swiss 😀

    More trolling, please 😀

    Otherwise I am the only bitch on the forum left. And it is only because I have an audacity to speak out the truth 😀

  104. Swiss SB says:

    “Sex is power. Therefore, getting money for sex is simply an exchange of power.”

    -Samantha Jones.

  105. RussianSB says:

    In their shop in Hong Kong, Dear.

  106. Treasured says:

    @Judith – Sometimes it takes time to approve posts 😀 And your’ s is great 😀

  107. DorkyGuy says:

    Ugh… It’s been weeks, and I still have the music from Les Miserables running through my head. That movie is the single longest song ever made. Still, Anne Hathaway was crazy good as Fontaine.

  108. EllenSugarB says:

    Dorky, you’re funny.

    Russian- Where to you get A Jimmy Choo discount card????

  109. EllenSugarB says:

    Ok, OK…I got a little off track…circling back to Anthony’s original inquiry…

    I think the best course of action is to talk to your SB, if possible. (Unless, of course, she told you to leave her alone. In which case you should leave her alone) If you did something to upset her, apologize.

    IF this girl is threatening you for money, I suggest that you simply tell her that things have changed with you financially and you just can’t afford it anymore.

    If none of this works…then pray, brother. And keep praying lol

  110. EllenSugarB says:

    …On the threatening to out a girl as a prostitute idea – In my case this would be a futile attempt on the part of my SD, being that my friends and family already know about him and that we go on dates and trips together. I can only see it making him look stupid.

    My mantra is “Out yourself before anyone else has a chance to.” That doesn’t mean go ahead and broadcast your personal business to the world. It does mean that I believe it’s important for the people close to you in your life to at least have a general idea about your sugar life. As my grandma puts it, “A gentleman took a liking to her and helps her out from time to time.”

    I just think that likening a SB to a prostitute is the same as likening his wife to a prostitute. Neither of which makes sense.

  111. EllenSugarB says:

    …Nope. He didn’t mention anything about her asking for money. I think that’s a pretty significant detail to leave out IF that’s even the case.

    Again, this is my own personal opinion based on my own personal experience. I’ve threatened a SD with tattle-taling to his wife because he crossed major boundaries calling and texting repeatedly after being asked to stop, showing up at my house unannounced and uninvited in the middle of the night, showing up AT MY JOB!…and I would threaten it again if it happened in the future….and again…and again…then I WOULD call the spouse…then I would call the cops. End.

  112. EllenSugarB says:

    Well, heck, I guess I’ll keep stirring the pot with this one:

    “As to the SB threatening to out her former SD to his wife, it seems every one is assuming that he did something bad to her. Maybe, but I submit that he just ended the relationship, she still wants the money. So then the only way to keep her happy is to keep giving her money. Hmmmmmmmmm that is blackmail, and should be dealt with firmly.

    I have some ideas about how to deal with black mailers, but first like to hear form blog about what they would do if a SB threatened to out them. Or in the case of a SB, if a SD threatened to tell all her friends that she was a prostitute.”

    Blackmail??!?! Oh geez. I guess I have a hard time believing that a SB would even resort to such behavior just because she wanted to keep getting money. It just sounds absurd. IF she is blackmailing, I say “don’t negotiate with a terrorist.” But I REALLY doubt that a SB would blackmail.

    I wouldn’t care if a SD threatened to tell my friends “Ellen is a prostitute.” My friends would laugh in his face! I myself would laugh on his face, spouting something along the lines of “HA! I’ve been a slut my whole life. You think this will surprise anyone?” lol Second, saying the SB is a prostitute just implicates him as a purveyor of said types.

    STILL, I don’t think it’s blackmail. I’m just having a hard time believing that a SB would do such a thing. I’m going with he 1) lied 2) did something disrespectful whether intentional or not 3) both

  113. EllenSugarB says:

    Haha stacy…pretty sure if I call him on it he will apologize profusely like he always does. I get pretty irritated when I hear the same apology more than once. So my two options are: cut him off, or accept him for the flake that he is.

    He has been known to say “I can’t believe you still see me after all of the times I’ve had to change plans.” I just tell him “Ya, you’re a pain in the ass sometimes.” I can’t bad mouth the guy much aside from his occasional flakiness. He really does treat me very well when I see him and he is an all around good guy, despite his annoying habit. But hey, I’m not perfect!

  114. EllenSugarB says:

    Hey guys… just to set the record straight… We had plans for this past Monday. We exchanged texts with the apartment comment on Saturday prior. I didn’t hear from him ’til Tuesday – cancelling for Monday, the day before. But do I really care??? No. Not really.

    Yes he did kind of “poof” and he wasn’t respectful of my time. But again, I don’t really care – meaning, I’m not terribly bothered by it.

    I decided not to change anything around in my schedule, not travel to see him, and basically do absolutely nothing out of my way for him. Being that I am extremely giving and flexible – people close to me really feel it when I do nothing to accommodate them. And brrrrrrrr – does it get cold!

  115. Lo says:

    are other peoples comments being waited on moderation or did somebody report me???

  116. sTacy, says:

    But, then don’t show the bad form of thinking you don’t need to bed forgiveness if you ever want to see her again.

  117. Frank says:

    That’s kinda like not showing up to get your marriage license. Extremely bad form, but in a way understandable.

  118. sTacy, says:

    Frank – I believe she posted that she texted him about getting an apartment and then he poofed and she never heard back from him.

  119. Frank says:

    sTacy, I believe she said he canceled at the last minute, that is not a poof. Why so bitter?

  120. Frank says:

    Keep your exes closest so they don’t tell tales about your tail

  121. Bella says:

    Ha, I’m the complete opposite, I’m friends with all my exes. Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your exes closest so they don’t turn into enemies. 😛

  122. sTacy, says:

    Ellen – the difference with your guy is that he didn’t cancel, he proofed, stood you up, and totally disrespected your time. Why not call him on his bad behavior?

  123. DorkyGuy says:

    @Theresa, you’re pretty! 😉

  124. Theresa says:

    When I break up with anyone, I just want it to be over. No shopping sprees, no good bye for “old time’s sake” roll in the hay, no “let’s be friends”, none of that. Just go, get out of my life and I don’t want to see, or hear from you again. I’m just a kind of detached person and can move on from relationships like that. When I break it off or for that matter get dumped, I just want to move on to the next relationship without any baggage from my last one. And if I do get ultra co- dependent or overly crazy, I’ll just have to get a therapist and hash that out with her, and not turn into some crazy like stalker following my last SD all over the planet so he can tell me how pretty I am.

  125. Crystal says:

    Hi, this is probably the wrong place to ask for advice but im not sure where else I should ask lol. So I had a sd approach me on another site inviting me on an all expenses paid trip to africa (for me this would be the trip of a lifetime) he has even offered to pay for my passport renewal (needs to be renewed just before the date we go) which being a student and not having student finance until april I just cant afford by myself, anyway this is where the advice comes in: im a bit worried because when we first meet it will be to get my passport then we wont see each other until we go to africa (hes married so can’t drop everything), im fairly worried about traveling with a man I’ve never met especially after all the horror stories you hear about. Anyway would any of you take up this offer and if so how would you make sure your safe? Thanks in advance :)

  126. Papillon22783 says:

    Thanks for the insightful article! I’ve just recently engaged in the “Seeking Arrangements” site, and found this quite eye opening. I admit (per Frank’s comment) I had never even considered the thought of a Sugar Momma “black mailing” or “threatening” in attempts to keep the relations/arrangement going.

    I’m also wondering (For a Male Sugar Baby) what’s the best way to authenticate my intention and expectation? I ask, as in my reading, I’ve found not only things such as those which Frank stated, but also there appears to be a great deal of “cat fish” out there; from both SB & SM/SD’s.

    I am hoping to learn from the seasoned/experienced people here, how I can develop the skill in discerning good from bad/real from fake; as well as to show I am real.

  127. DorkyGuy says:

    @Frank~ I agree on both counts

    @Bella~ I hear ya…. I really disliked my 20’s, because it didn’t matter how well I performed, by bosses couldn’t rationalize giving someone my age promotions and responsibility because of my age. As rough as it is for a young guy to break through, I imagine it’s that much tougher for a girl. It’s actually one of the chief reasons I quit and started my own company. I was tired of not being taken seriously due to age.

  128. Frank says:

    I missed a lot.

    I think its wrong to assume a young SB is being taken advantage of by her SD. We are all consenting adults. So what if there is an end date specified at the start point, almost by definition, a sugar relationship has an end date, why not be specific about it if you wish.

    As to the SB threatening to out her former SD to his wife, it seems every one is assuming that he did something bad to her. Maybe, but I submit that he just ended the relationship, she still wants the money. So then the only way to keep her happy is to keep giving her money. Hmmmmmmmmm that is blackmail, and should be dealt with firmly.

    I have some ideas about how to deal with black mailers, but first like to hear form blog about what they would do if a SB threatened to out them. Or in the case of a SB, if a SD threatened to tell all her friends that she was a prostitute unless she keep on seeing him.

  129. Judith says:

    Can somebody tell me why my blog post was deleted? SMH

  130. Bella says:

    I win, I’ve been working since I was 12 hahaha. Legalities are just guidelines in a small town, no one cared that it was illegal to hire me. But Dorky, I’m glad you can relate. It seems we’ve had similarities in our teen experiences. I was never a partier or boy-obsessed, I was focusing all my energy on getting healthy, making money, and getting the hell out of dodge. I wanted to get as far away from my small town as possible so at 17 I moved all the way to Asia. Can’t get much further than that!

    And I know I shouldn’t take it personally, but when you’ve faced continual discrimination due to your age, it’s hard not to get your hackles up when someone compares you to a child.

  131. RussianSB says:

    All the trip I try open hotel room with Jimmy Choo plastic discount card,
    someone else has such problem here ??

  132. Treasured says:

    @Dorky

    “Yeah, I can’t really relate. Crying into my pillow over a girl or getting drunk were just not priorities. My peers were drinking and doing the drama thing, but I didn’t want the life that they were building for themselves. ”

    Crying into a pillow and getting drunk were not my priorities too. But I always viewed that as a part of growing up.

    Actually, your statement might explain a lot about you.

    I am glad I had my share of emotional drama. 😀 At least I can still feel and still have an ability to fall in love and let my hair down, once in a while.

  133. EllenSugarB says:

    …”boy crazy”…with “crazy” being the operative word LOL

  134. EllenSugarB says:

    Bella, I wouldn’t take anything on here too personal. Further, you have a lot more tools at your disposal (such as sugar blogs) which were not around when I was your age – and they make you all the wiser. Still, there is much to be learned from our sugar elders!

    Dorky, Treasured, (maybe missed a couple others)…I, too, am a member of the 14-year-old adult club. I didn’t have time for drinking and partying… but I ALWAYS found time for boys! 30 years-old and still boy crazy.

  135. EllenSugarB says:

    “There are real reasons for last minute cancellations and also people who use last minute cancellations as a power trip, to take advantage of a better offer or for personal convenience.”

    I like that explanation, thank you. He isn’t a power trip type, and I’m not sure about taking him advantage of other offers, but I doubt it… I do think the cancellations have been for his own personal convenience – which have been an inconvenience to me.

    The financial impact of our arrangement is negligible in value. The allowance doesn’t sway me in one way or another.

    I’m pretty accommodating to his schedule at the cost of having to reschedule and shift things around in my personal/professional life – so I especially don’t appreciate the last minute cancellations.

    …No wine to help me with the decision…but I think I’ve come to a conclusion: I don’t need to cut him off because he didn’t do anything mean or hurtful. However, in the future I won’t be shifting my schedule around or making plans to travel. This alone will limit our chances of seeing each other, and it will probably fizzle out on it’s own. I call this the “Withdrawal Approach” … so passive aggressive, yet so effective :)

  136. DorkyGuy says:

    Yeah, I can’t really relate. Crying into my pillow over a girl or getting drunk were just not priorities. My peers were drinking and doing the drama thing, but I didn’t want the life that they were building for themselves. I was determined to escape poverty and build something different. There were much bigger things to do in life than alcohol and girls.

  137. Treasured says:

    @Dorky – I have been working since I was 14 too. Was mature, responsible and experienced quite a few things, ranging from good to bad and ugly.
    And even though I appeared emotionally sound and stable, it still didn’ t stop me from crying into pillows because a boy didn’ t call me or getting drunk with my best friends, because two boys who took us on a date never got back to us.

    And, as I have said – thank God I didn’t discover Sugardating until MUCH later. I’d be an emotional wreck by now 😀
    But… I have been talking with a few friends few days ago… And we came into conclusion, that people, 10 years younger than we are, get worldly much earlier than we did at a time.
    At 18 I still didn’ t know what BDSM was (well, I didn’t know what it was till 23, actually!), my friend lost virginity when she was 20…

    Yet, it is not about maturity. It is about that a man of 40 +, who also has the means to be a SD, is the one who calls all the cards. And, on the whole, it is a 18yo girl who will most likely to get hurt.

  138. DorkyGuy says:

    I get where Bella is coming from. I was essentially an adult at 14. At 16, I had my own apartment and was working 2 jobs plus high school. While most of my peers were still on their parents tit, acting like kids, I was fully embracing the responsibility of adulthood. If you are determined to mature faster than your peers, you can do it. You are not even completely bound by biology. Have a look at the science of mental plasticity.

  139. I LoveWestCoastGirl says:

    February 28, 2013 at 8:36 pm
    Anthony “What recourse does an SD have if he’s not single and he’s been threatened by his former SB to contact his spouse through her Facebook page because the SD/I was stupid enough to let her know my last name?”

    a guy have to give his SB his real name (for her personal safety !!!) married or not.

    Did you mean you were stupid enough to upset your SB, did something so bad she decided to complain to your wife.?
    keep your SBs happy , especially if you are married . or if your reputation is important to you. and you do not want your full name to be listed at fake SDs web siteSSS.

  140. FLYr says:

    @ Ellen –

    I doubt that any of us know 1% of what you know about your relationship. Last minute cancellations are obnoxious at any time and very hard on a sugar relationship. I asume that the cancellations also affect your income as much as your ego.

    There are real reasons for last minute cancellations and also people who use last minute cancellations as a power trip, to take advantage of a better offer or for personal convenience.

    It’s one of the reasons I favor the use of a specially issued “his” debit cards. If he is going to miss a meeting the call can be preceeded by a 30 second trip to the web to put something extra into the card.

    The downside is of course that the SD could withdraw any funds you have not used but isn’t it better to learn about evil by having your purse emptied rather than your body or soul abused by some looser.

    I would sit down with a good bottle of wine, a piece of paper and pen…….. list all the good and bad things,…………… the answer will appear as the wine disappears.

  141. Treasured says:

    “@Treasured – Because I’m stating what I think you are doing (in my opinion), which you have agreed to. Nothing wrong with it…but it is how you approach it.”

    Precisely :) That is how YOU approach it.

    @Russian – Cool for you 😀 I will be in the general area in 2 weeks and can’ t wait 😀

    @Bella – no one is trying to insult you. Just we are trying to make a point that when a 40yo + goes into an arrangement with a 18yo, the game is on his terms and not on her’ s. Even me, being 27… It took me quite some time to figure out the whole SD/SB – dating an older guy dynamics.

    @Ellen – Depends if you have plenty of free time on your hands 😀 For me, 2nd chance is an option, but anything else… Sorry, too busy for that.

  142. Judith says:

    I came across this in the archives and thought it was worth sharing, since the type if men she describes below are no doubt the ones populating the site/blog.

    I’ve only been on the site for a little under a month, but I have taken my time going through profiles and reading all that the SDs have to say.

    There seems to be general classifications for each of them, four to be exact:

    1) The dotcom youngin’ (usually under 30), whose profile pic is of him holding a beer in one hand, wearing the classic smirk and bedroom eyes, with his arm around girls whose faces have been scribbled over with Paintshop. He may or may not have bothered to write more than a sentence or two to describe himself, or what he’s looking for, and if he has it’s usually something along the lines of, “must be hot, if you have to ask if you’re hot you’re probably not. I like my women like I like my cars—fast and hot. Did I mention you must be hot? No? Oh, okay, well then you must be hot. There.” I click [X] so fast. I can’t imagine a date with a guy like that—Jesus the horrible conversations about all he’s using to overcompensate for his lack of intelligence, and probable lack of sexual skills. I also can’t imagine these guys being long-term SDs. I can see them using women as flavors of the month…actually more so flavors of the week or day; I just see these guys as ADD adverts, completely unable to focus on any one SB (forget about him remembering your name!) I’m glad they don’t hide their personality flaws in their profiles though—would be a shame to trek out to meet them and find this out in person.

    2) The young adult still holding fast to his kegger days (usually between 30 and 40). Picture of him with skydiving gear, giving you the thumbs up as he jumps from a plane. He’s not as crass with his short paragraph on his profile as SD#1, but if you read between the lines well enough you can see he’s not really that far from SD #1. Still bragging about his “toys”, still giving off a vibe of overcompensation for very important things he’s hoping you won’t notice because he’s a daredevil (See? Look at me flying into the great blue in my profile pic! I’m the Steve Irwin of the sky!) Another [X] factor for me, as I really can’t imagine sitting across from him at the dinner table either, talking about how he’s wrestling sharks in his spare time, and all about the models he’s dated.

    3) The middle-aged guy (40 to 50) who seems to have settled down a bit, but is still trying to kick sand in the devil’s eye (profile pic of him leaning against a sports car, or a motorcycle). Probably going through a bit of a mid-life crisis, and is looking to hold on to his youth by…ahem…sucking it out of a younger female, lol. Looking for a girl to keep him young, one who is set to travel on demand. Looking to impress his friends, so she always has to wear heels—even when she showers. [X]. He seems out of the woods of the first two guys, but really isn’t, and—once again, I cringe at the dinner conversations…

    4) The more mature gentleman (50 to 60) who has definitely settled down, and is usually pictured on a boat, shirt off, sunglasses on, drink in hand. He looks like he’s worked long hard years in order to enjoy that drink, may be out of shape and pretty much bald (what’s left is gray of course). Seems to speak a lot about enjoying life, and frequenting museums, Broadway shows, occasional travel to (insert island here), and how generous he is. Then he ruins it all by stating things like “must be between ages __ and __, prefer blondes, thin please, Caucasian only, no out-of-towners”. Even if I fit into his categories, I’d not want to reach out to him; for one who claims to be so worldly, his close-minded demands say otherwise. I’m sure the dinner conversations would be filled with him wanting to hear how you’d please him (God help you if you speak about an allowance. God.help.you.), and how often you’d please him. [X]

    I’m still dreaming about the following:

    5) The man between ages 40 and 60 who is OUT of the kegger years, and doesn’t miss them. He has a really respectful picture of himself up—no blurred out faces of women on either side of him, booze in hand, beat up sharks nearby, or skydiving gear on. Sweet smile, charming profile title: “Still believe she’s out there”, or “Ready to discover love”…cheesy, I know, but still charming. Has no stated preferences, may even mention he’s met women from all walks of life and has realized that you can’t put a race/skin color/age/height/weight on a genuine connection. Speaks about himself and his likes, and genuinely wants to find a woman who has interests and dreams of her own. Says he understands what the site is about, is okay with an arrangement, but would love a relationship that could lead to more. He’s not offended by speaking about said arrangement—both what you are looking for as well as what he is looking for. He could care less about “arm candy” and travel-on-demand, he’s looking for something deeper than that.
    I know men like that exist on the site, but they must already have been snagged up by some very lucky SBs…

  143. Richard says:

    * caught up in such a mess

  144. Richard says:

    @Anthony
    What recourse does an SD have if he’s not single and he’s been threatened by his former SB to contact his spouse through her Facebook page because the SD/I was stupid enough to let her know my last name?

    I suggest you share her profile number with the rest of us. I’m a married man and would not appreciate getting caught in such a need!
    Maybe people like FRANK and SD GURU can you give better advice.

  145. Lo says:

    Yes he is great and I really like our time together…BUT…I’m over the last minute cancellations. Should I cut him off?

    And no, there won’t be any last-hoorah.

    LOLOL im dying over here

  146. EllenSugarB says:

    Anthony “What recourse does an SD have if he’s not single and he’s been threatened by his former SB to contact his spouse through her Facebook page because the SD/I was stupid enough to let her know my last name?”

    What did yo do to piss her off so much? Figure it out and apologize – that’s the only recourse I can see.

    I’m only responding to this because I’ve threatened a past SD with the same thing in the past BECAUSE when I broke it off he wouldn’t leave me alone. Even after repeated warnings to stop contacting me, he called and texted incessantly, showed up to my house in the middle of the night, showed up at my WORK!…the kicker was showing up at my work…wtf?!?! That day, I threatened to contact his spouse. Then I get his sob story about “Oh my kids and my family….this is going to hurt innocent people…” So I say “Uh huh, and what about MY family and MY job and all the drama you’re bringing into it??? I told you to leave me the F$%&K alone.” He left me alone after that.

  147. EllenSugarB says:

    Question…Apartment-Hunting SD who flaked on me Monday wants to reschedule. This is the third time that there has been a last minute cancellation. Yes he is great and I really like our time together…BUT…I’m over the last minute cancellations. Should I cut him off?

    And no, there won’t be any last-hoorah.

  148. EllenSugarB says:

    “For its own sake I think SA needs to rethink their marketing and promotional efforts. Quantity is not quality.”

    Right. Quantity yields revenue for this business model.

  149. EllenSugarB says:

    Regarding the article….I think that when guys try to end a relationship with some kind of consolation gift/outing it just makes them seem like more of a jerk. Why? Because said person basically planned an outing with the premeditated intent to break up. I can’t see how this approach makes any sense unless the two of you have no strings or feelings for one another whatsoever. Break ups should be clean and simple, with each of you going your separate ways and moving forward.

  150. FLYr says:

    @jersey darling “Re: People treating this as escorting, I’m so fed up with my experiences lately. With each wave of publicity this site gets, the more the quality goes down From married people who pull the “Whoops, just kidding!” to straight out Johns (I hate even typing that word) masquerading in sheep’s clothing until the specifics of the first date come up.”

    I think it is a real problem and that you are correct that the form and quantity of publicity by SA have contributed to the problem. Perhaps it will become a discussion topic. I have ranted enough about the party promotions to have the moderator reaching for the electronic neutering device.

    For its own sake I think SA needs to rethink their marketing and promotional efforts. Quantity is not quality.

  151. Bella says:

    Justifying the quality of childishness with physiology is like justifying that women should only ever be wives and mothers due to their biology. I am well aware of the stages of brain development but my not-quite developed brain does not make me act in childish and impulsive ways. People are more then the sum of their physiology. Like I said, it’s assumptive to paint everyone with the same brush, which is why I also get irritated with the “all men/SDs are like this and all women/SBs are like this” comments that seem to frequent this blog, though I never comment on those because it’s too much hassle.

    In any case, I agree with your last post Stacy. There are things both SBs and SDs should recognize about each other when entering into an arrangement, and if neither party addresses those things then I would say both are being childish, whatever age they might be.

  152. sTacy, says:

    Which doesn’t mean Bella isn’t intelligent and mature, simply that an accomplished adult should recognize in an arrangement that she’s in transition and he should be respectful and careful, hence the campsite rule: leave no trace!

  153. Lo says:

    Stacy of course…I should’ve at least remembered that in physiology…that the prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed until twenty five

  154. sTacy, says:

    Bella – all due respect, it’s proven scientific fact that the Brain’s impulse control center and emotional stabilizers don’t fully develop until you’re 25. Regardless of life experience, your brain is still in development.

  155. Bella says:

    I don’t give a shit, I am not a child. You could say the same to a 40 year old who looks back at their 30 year old self. That doesn’t make their 30 year old self a child.

    I know there are plenty of childlike 18-25 year old out there, but I don’t associate with those people. I am not one of those people myself. Painting everyone with the same brush is silly.

  156. Lo says:

    Well chronologically 18-23 year olds are considered adults but just wait till you hit twenty four or twenty five, you’ll look back at your nineteen year old self and shake your head thinking wow I didnt know shit…

  157. Bella says:

    I would just like to point out that I am 21 and am not a child, thank you very much. Some of the things being said are rather insulting. You don’t know the life experiences of other, younger SBs and it’s incredibly assumptive to equate them to children.

  158. sTacy, says:

    SDLA – I totally accept that these children may not have been looking for relationships. I am just trying to point out that they are little hirls and you are an adult, and so the entire nature of your transaction/relationship/arrangement got to be on your terms. That must’ve been a very painful divorce, that caused you to only want to pursue harmless, naive, kittens going forward.

  159. Jersey Darling says:

    The blog is alive again! Yay!

    *grabs peanuts*

    @SDinLA – Out of curiosity, who suggested the end date for the relationship, you or the girls you were seeing?

    @Dorky – LOL. I give head massages at no charge! I would have killed for a massage in the beginning of the week myself.

    Re: People treating this as escorting, I’m so fed up with my experiences lately. With each wave of publicity this site gets, the more the quality goes down :( From married people who pull the “Whoops, just kidding!” to straight out Johns (I hate even typing that word) masquerading in sheep’s clothing until the specifics of the first date come up.

    It’s sad it has to be this way because I would love nothing more than a relationship with boundaries right now.

  160. RussianSB says:

    In the Middle East, 14 years girl sometimes treated as grown up woman :)

  161. RussianSB says:

    @SDinLA – yes, yes !!! I go today in the ” top of the world ”, I see it from my window in Ritz.

  162. DorkyGuy says:

    Been a crazy crazy week… Would love a girl to just rub my temples while I fall asleep with my head in her lap. And yes, face up. I know the way your minds work.

  163. SDinLA says:

    @WCSD But a 3/4 coed is 1/4 adult, a chrysalis well on her way to transforming from the ugly caterpillar that is an emotionally stunted child coed into the beautiful butterfly that is a non-coed SB! 😉

  164. WCSD says:

    @SDinLA – No, must be rounded up to a whole coed. Remember they are emotionally stunted to begin with, so I couldn’t handle a 3/4 coed….

  165. SDinLA says:

    @RussianSB Try to go take a dip in the rooftop pool at the Marina Bay Sands! Definitely a unique experience and one worth having.

  166. RussianSB says:

    ”When there is a lure of $$$. I can, pretty much say anything a man wants to hear”
    – and I can say anything a man doesn’t want to hear :)))))))))))) when there is a lure of $$$ …
    I am so lucky girl to find boys with hardcore sense of humour :)
    PS. Singapore is so beautiful city !!!

  167. SDinLA says:

    @WCSD 2-3? Does that mean 2.5 would suffice? What if I counter with 1-3/4?

    @sTacy you wrote “the “scraps” I was referring to were your emotional scraps, not financial, because they are to young and naive to expect better”

    But my point is, at the time when I was seeing them, they were not looking for the same things you apparently look for emotionally. What we had was not them “settling” for emotional scraps, it was BOTH of us getting what we wanted: all the benefits of a conventional relationship without the burdens of the long term expectations. I did not fool them into not wanting marriage, they were firmly of the mind that given where they were in their lives, and the plans they had for education/career etc., they were in no way wanting what you seem to assume all women must want.

    The key factor is “at that point in their lives/my life.” I think it is actually very mature to be able to recognize that timing is a crucial element of any relationship and how it works out, and for them and for me, the timing was perfect for what we had and NOT for any dreams of being soul mates and together forever bliss.

  168. WCSD says:

    @Treasured – Because I’m stating what I think you are doing (in my opinion), which you have agreed to. Nothing wrong with it…but it is how you approach it.

  169. Treasured says:

    Guys, on the whole, despite you being a huge a******s sometimes, I absolutely love you :)
    No matter how successful how smart you get, still, deep inside, you are insecure boys… I think there is something alluring about vulnerability like that 😀

    On this note of me, declaring love to all the mankind, I am off to sleep 😀

  170. Treasured says:

    WCSD – Then why mentioning it twice in a one conversation? Just curious 😉

  171. WCSD says:

    @Treasured – I have no problem if you see and approach this lifestyle as a courtesan. I more look at it as a friend with benefits, where the difference for me is that the benefits are more appropriate to what I can afford. Again, different strokes for different folks.

  172. Treasured says:

    “Just don’t delude yourself into thinking these are adult women approaching the situation with your same, rationality.”

    I do agree with that… Remembering myself as a 18yo – I was naive, sweet and had a great belief that love concurs all. Even an ice-cold, pragmatic SDinLA, with his sidekick WCSD 😀

  173. Treasured says:

    LA – that slightly changes the situation (thank you for your explanation).

    But, the fact stays the fact – it did hurt in some cases, and, developing “in love” almost inevitable, if you start to date a guy, whom you like. Sugar or non sugar.
    SO, I, myself, in an arrangement, prefer to date “Mr. Makesmylifegreat” and not “Mr. Icanseeaheartbreak”.

  174. sTacy, says:

    LA – you’re an accomplished adult, they are children the “scraps” I was referring to were your emotional scraps, not financial, because they are to young and naive to expect better. But, it was probably great for them while it lasted so as long as you left the camp sight better than you found it…

    Just don’t delude yourself into thinking these are adult women approaching the situation with your same, rationality.

  175. Treasured says:

    *are my personal views re myself* and not “you”

  176. WCSD says:

    @SDinLA – Yes you can. But I have a steep retainer. 2-3 of your coeds a year please!

  177. Treasured says:

    WCDS – The thing is, I do not “assume”. I ask :) Sometimes politely, sometimes less so.

    And. Your veiled attempts on insulting me, first with “johns” and now with the “shady side” really don’ t work. I am perfectly comfortable with me living my life as I please and feeling free to speak the truth (at least when I choose to do so :) ). I do have a believe, that no matter how you put it and what amount one gets per month, being a SB is still.. well… whoring (for those, who are sensitive on the subject, these are my personal views re you and I do not call any of the blog members that.). I do prefer a term “courtesan”. But, trifles aside, that is the same thing 😀

  178. SDinLA says:

    @WCSD You said that in many fewer words than I did! Can I appoint you as my blog spokesperson? 😉

  179. SDinLA says:

    @sTacy Um yeah…. spin things however you need to in order to feel better.

    None of my SBs set out looking for an “arrangement.” I met them all in real life. In the course of chatting with them, THEY would make it clear that they were sick of dating “boys”, that they liked older guys, that they hated how every guy they got involved with fell madly in love and wanted to tie them down when they are too young to get married, have plans for grad school, a career etc. They pursued me. All 3 of my long term SBS were students at universities ranked in the Top 25 in the country, they were not airheads.

    “Scraps?” Let’s see…. my last SB was treated the same as any of my other GFs, I lavished attention on her, mentored her, even did homework for her. She got whatever she wanted re: fine dining, shopping, trips, activities- she even lived with me one summer between school years. And I agreed to pay for 3 years of grad school (well into six figures in total.) We still get along, there are no hard feelings and in fact I did things for her that most ex-BFs would not do for an ex-GF well after our arrangement ended. We had feelings for each other, but both knew that the timing was wrong for both of us re: happily ever after. Just because your situation or what you want from a SD is different does not mean my SBs had to settle for “scraps.”

    The point stands, an arrangement is whatever two people agree to and what makes them happy. Just because you have different criteria does not make their situation better or worse than yours, no two people are alike.

    @Treasured I don’t disagree with you. When you fall madly in love with someone, it’s not usually by choice, and it’s hard to control those feelings. I had to end one arrangement because that happened, and she was actually in agreement that we had to end things once we sat down and discussed her feelings and I made it clear that I just wasn’t feeling the same way. And that happened to me once before I figured out how I wanted to approach being a SD- I feel hard for a potential SB, and got really hurt. But the risk of that happening does not mean you can’t aim for something more than “no feelings.”

    And there was no “lure” of money because there was no implicit discussion of an arrangement. It was an organic evolution of them telling me they liked dating older guys, my stating my situation and what I was looking for, and things evolving from there. Again, there are no rights and wrongs here, we all approach(ed) this in our own way, and what worked for my SBs and me might not work for you, but just because what my SBs wanted was not the same thing as you want does not mean they must have been “fooling” me.

  180. WCSD says:

    @Treasured – I guess I don’t understand why then if you can’t stop caring about them do you assume that SDinLA and his SBs stop after the arrangement ends? They are just friends and are still in touch, no different than your ex-SDs. So why is that type of relationship ANY different than any of yours. Other than the fact that they can both see into the future a little bit.

    And – “When there is a lure of $$$. I can, pretty much say anything a man wants to hear.” to me is what I’d define as someone who is not a SB but much more on the shady side of these types of relationships. Again, my opinion, which amounts to a hill of beans…

  181. Treasured says:

    WCSD – I will skip a pinch of you mentioning “Johns” and me in one sentence. :) But, just so you know… I do not have any of those. As one of my SDs once told me: “You are not a SB, my dear. You are a lover”. And… Every single SD except one (the one I have left, myself) are still in touch with me.
    That, I think, answers you the question, why does it matter if a person believes in my act.
    By the way, it is not always an act. I do feel quite tender to all people I have left into my life. And I do believe, that for me, once I care for a person, I can not stop caring about him/her, even past the “stop the arrangement” date.

  182. Treasured says:

    sTacy – LOOOOL!

    Dear LA, please, do keep dating 18 to 23 (MAX) y.o. 😀 I somehow doubt you poor heart will sustain someone older. AND smarter 😀

    What? 😀 I am only worried about your wellbeing 😀

  183. WCSD says:

    @Treasured – I think SDinLA’s point is that neither him or his SBs wanted to be full head over heels in love. Did they care about each other? Yes. But they didn’t want the ‘can’t live without you’ feeling, and by putting an end date to the relationship that forced that to happen for them (the same as you finding bad traits about your SDs/Johns keep your feelings in check).

    As to your comment regarding if his SBs were telling the truth or not, I guess you can look at it the way you do with your SDs/Johns, that every woman is just after money, will say anything to convince you otherwise, and will lie to your face just to get extra dollars. Or you can take the approach that you are with a mature, sensible person, who is free to say what they feel, is not a world class actress, and live your life that way. If you truly are that good of an actress, why would it matter to you if your SD believes your act, or knows you are acting??

  184. sTacy, says:

    Treasured – of course the girls agreed for the limits, SDinLA dates children, and children don’t know how to negotiate with adults, so they take the scraps they can get. Lol.

  185. Treasured says:

    “My SBs WANTED THE EXACT SAME THING I DID”

    How do you know that? Let me guess, they told you so themselves! Riiiiiiight?

    Hmmm… Think again :)

    I can convince my SDs I am in love with every single one of them, and every single one of them is “oh so special” and… “i think, I have to tell you this…. But… No one has ever made me cum like you do”. And, let’ s not forget about: “You know… being with you makes me feel like a woman should feel… A strong man beside me… And feeling so secure and protected” (depending on the situation, I can even add a tear to that one).

    When there is a lure of $$$. I can, pretty much say anything a man wants to hear.

    Hrumpf 😀

  186. Treasured says:

    LA – The thing is….. If I do have “feelings”, and I do not mean respect, friendship, care, even “love” (love can be different, after all, I love my Chi, who is the stupidest creature on Earth)… I mean “in love”… When you long for another person… When it hurts that he is no there, when you go to sleep and wake up with the thought of him and the connection is amazing and you desire him, like no one before… Well…
    I can not say “I’ ll be like that for the next x months and then I will stop”…. And… To be honest, I have yet to meet a person, who, while being “in love” will set himself/herself a limit for how long this “in love” lasts.

    Sorry, but I do not believe in “being in love” with limitations. I can be sensible, realise that it is not meant to be etc. etc… But, when it happens “by accident” is one thing, but to go into that being perfectly aware of it is masochistic. I love a bit of pain, but not in these circumstances 😉

    But, whatever has worked for you.

  187. SDinLA says:

    @Treasured and Lo But this is precisely why an arrangement is whatever two people decide it is!

    My SBs WANTED THE EXACT SAME THING I DID. They wanted all the benefits of a normal relationship, WITHOUT the issue of happily ever after creeping in. They had different, but equally valid, reasons for NOT being prepared to find their soul mate and settle down, yet both parties wanted to be able to have feelings for the other.

    So what you view as bad or “worse”, was PERFECT to my SBs (and me.)

    There’s no right or wrong with an arrangement, it’s whatever two people agree upon and are happy with.

  188. Treasured says:

    Set date for ending is better. Preferably with a clause of a month’ s arrangement to be paid to give me time to find a new SD. Worked before.

    BUT, with this we are back to the main rule of an arrangement. NEVER EVER fall in love in a Sugar arrangement. Always choose someone who is great, but is lacking certain something to make it perfect: looks, age, manners, etc.

  189. Lo says:

    You know..I don’t know which is worse though. The arrangement abruptly ending or SD’s systematic approach

  190. Treasured says:

    I am not a robot, to have feelings and then suddenly stop having them on the set day.

  191. Treasured says:

    @LA – But THIS is the perfect example why I don’ t mix business with pleasure! Why would I ever want I risk my heart to someone, who, in advance sets up limits when he is going to dump me?

  192. SDinLA says:

    @Treasured Yes, all my SBs were coeds and full-time uni students, but there was no age cut-off per se. The limit was always their graduation, whether they were going to be 20 or 23.

  193. SDinLA says:

    @Treasured This is the perfect example of sugar being whatever two people decide it is. You seem to treat men in 2 distinctly separate ways: you hold your nose and put up with certain unpleasant things as long as a SD provides X. Or you follow your heart and have a BF. That is just very different from how my SBs and I treated our situations.

    They really were “GFS with boundaries.” I met their families/friends. We called each other BF/GF to each other’s circles. There were NO rules for “X time for Y sugar.” We spent time together because we liked spending time together! Were there feelings involved? Hell yes. But that does not mean it’s an all or nothing approach. If I knew I did not want marriage/to settle down due to my situation with a recent nasty divorce, and they knew they did not want to settle down due to their youth, career plans etc., deciding that “your/my graduation is the end date if neither of us wants to end it earlier” not only makes perfect sense, but was the desired boundary by both parties.

  194. Treasured says:

    Hmmmm…. Although it might have to do with the fact that you date girls only until they become 21 😀
    Or was it not you? My blonde moments are back 😀

  195. Treasured says:

    “If one tends to adore and worship women, one has to recognize that trait and get pretty good at setting boundaries and choosing with whom to get involved or you just end up getting taken advantage of again and again”

    As long as the rules of a set splitting time set and an object of adoration is well aware, that she will be adored for a X months per Y$ per month 😀

    I love your idea of “adoration” 😀

    Hehehehehehe

    LOL

  196. Anthony says:

    What recourse does an SD have if he’s not single and he’s been threatened by his former SB to contact his spouse through her Facebook page because the SD/I was stupid enough to let her know my last name?

  197. SDinLA says:

    @Treasured Ah but that was precisely because I was aware of my weaknesses and tried to learn from my past mistakes. After being taken advantage when I first attempted to be a SD and knowing that I was not ready or capable of having a healthy serious relationship just having gone through a traumatic split from my ex wife (and yet everyone I went on a conventional date with seemed to end up wanting to talk about marriage after just one or two dates) that was a boundary that I decided to implement specifically to address previous errors.

    If one tends to adore and worship women, one has to recognize that trait and get pretty good at setting boundaries and choosing with whom to get involved or you just end up getting taken advantage of again and again.

    @DorkyGuy IMO marriage is an archaic institution. Maybe not every 3 years, the only ones who’d be happy with that frequency are the attorneys. Five years sounds about right. Or better yet, don’t get married again! 😉

  198. DorkyGuy says:

    LOL, I think I am inspired. If I get married again, it will be a contract that is up for renegotiation every three years 😛

  199. Treasured says:

    “…there was a specific end date from the get-go, as well as a clear understanding of how either of us could end it before that agreed upon end date if desired.”

    LOL

    Says the person who puts a pussy on a pedestal. Us, girls, don’t have a chance 😀

    hehehehe

  200. Lo says:

    Shopping, sharing a weekend away and having sex with someone who is about to dump you is from a cocoo land.

    LMAO

  201. Shiree says:

    Good bye, lovin is always the best, because you neva know when you’ll eva get it as good again, xoxox

  202. Treasured says:

    Break ups are never easy. The most you can expect is being civilized and stay friends.
    Shopping, sharing a weekend away and having sex with someone who is about to dump you is from a cocoo land.

    And. The stupid question if the day in my anatomy lesson: “Is that true that if you cry a lot you wee less? My grandpa used to say so.”

    Dooooooh!

  203. JuicyFruit says:

    Thanks Flyr and Lo agreeing about what I have to say. I’m speaking from my personal experience about a good genuine sweet relationship I have had. When you had some beautiful experiences in the past with someone… knowing it is rare and not just anyone (sugar or non sugar) can match up with what you had… Journey of life become harder and less people can get to you even though your door is wide open. Tough to compromise with yourself about settle or even go for something less valuable… I’m talking about the valuable sweetness that even money can’t buy. Human nature is very strange!!!

  204. Frank says:

    Russia, welcome back, we missed you. Glad you are someplace warm.

    Just remember, as long as a woman has a pussy between her legs, she doesn’t need a knife in her hand.

  205. Frank says:

    Stacy-I can see how you would take off a band aid-rip it off! lol Something to be said for that.

    If a SB misbehaves, then I think you have to the right to end it quick like that. I had a SB who keep making up wild stories to get more money out of me. Problem was that she needed my sugar to maintain. I gave her a few weeks notice that sugar was ending, and then cut her off. She keep contacting me with various tactics, trying sympathy, quilt, anger, seduction and a few more tricks from that playbook. I held firm, but it was hard because I really liked her and our play time.

  206. sTacy, says:

    Jimmy Choo drama? What kind if drama could be required at Jimmy Choo, he’s generous or not, and if not? Move on! One more reason I hit the SD jackpot, he wears ME out with the shopping and presents, lol.

    But, on the issue of a fairwell parting gift? F*ck that! It’s never happened to me, but if an SD ever tells me he wants to end things, we’re done immediately! No last goodbye screw, no “when I’m in town” and certainly no pity shopping trips, or severance pay. If you’re not into me, I don’t want to be around you, a fairwell shopping trip seems rather humiliating – like attending a fairwell lunch for a colleague you know was fired.

  207. Lo says:

    Juicy Fruit I agree—especially for women who have more of an emotional makeup, this kind of arrangement can leave scars but so can casual dates unless they become an actual relationship. Either way we ain’t safe girlfriendd it’s the wild wild west out here!

  208. I LoveWestCoastGirl says:

    to strangle (correction )

  209. I LoveWestCoastGirl says:

    RussianSB.

    I understand you so much; of course it is very hard to carry your knife with you to Jimmy Choo store every time .

    you can just try to strange a guy with your breast if he does not want to get the shoes voluntary.

  210. FLYr says:

    Juicy Fruit – wise comment

  211. Jersey Darling says:

    I suppose this article should have a different title..

    “How to end your sugar relationship IF you want your sugar baby to be available to you in the future.”

    Because ending it like this would certainly leave it on pleasant terms and would have her wanting to come back to you.

  212. RussianSB says:

    To the topic – my new sugar relationship ends today (at 16:30 PM) in Jimmy Choo shop at Pacific Plasa, with a lot of drama I have talents too. The reason why I am on the site again.
    And I miss the blog, have other reason not to post for two weeks – I was working like farmer …
    The difference between Sugardaddy and my daddy is that I don’t want Sugar one teach me monetary responsibility, you know :)
    I don’t want to make shopping with drama every time – I am out of that age already . I want my boy give me nice presents voluntary, and not with knife at his throat .

  213. RussianSB says:

    Nice change from moscow, guys. They think, in Hong Kong they having WINTER now.
    LMAO

  214. RussianSB says:

    BLOG GODS and everybody who know me and my profile (wawing and jumping), can notice, that my actual countries (and IP-adresses) now , are different that ”Russia”. Today it is Hong Kong , tommorow Singapore and from Monday will be Maldives. Don’t you think that I am Troll – I am not, I am just travelling a little, I don’t want my profile to be suspended, becose of strange
    IP-adresses.
    Sugar life.
    I am on that trip with potential sugardaddy … It was proposal that I cannot refuse, BUT we not going to be long-term friends , so don’t relax everybody.

  215. JuicyFruit says:

    How can you not open your heart to someone, who you are going to share your body and enjoying the intimatecy moments with… If you do open, when it comes to an end and you don’t handle your heart with care… Doesn’t matter how much material you get, it will hurt and probably will leave scars. It doesn’t feel nice when you enjoy someone’s company so much but can’t see that person anymore. Sugar is a tough game to play!!!

  216. FLYr says:

    Dependent SB – I strongly prefer not to have an SB for whom the stoppage of sugar will cause draconian hardships, but I also tend to be attracted to SB’s for whom the sugar is something more important than bags shoes etc.

    One of the good things about sugarland is that it’s a huge tent with a circus in one corner, rock music in another and the other two occupied a religious cult and perpetual costume party. There’s pretty much something for everybody. In the borderland between the circus and costume party people wear masks and carry whips, but everyone seems to be having a good time.

    Unless the SB has found new love,leaving the area or the SD is cleaning up his act to run for office an over the top celebration of the end is not appropriate.

  217. Bella says:

    I find it odd that this article is geared towards the SDs lavishing gifts on their soon-to-be-former SBs. That’s certainly not an expectation in my book, though of course it would be a pleasant surprise. If it’s expected that the SD give to the SB for one last gift, shouldn’t there be some sort of expectation for the SB to give to the SD?

  218. Jersey Darling says:

    Lots of men either 1) love the ego boost of knowing a girl is available at their every whim, or 2) prefer the flexibility that an unemployed sb can offer them.

    They only realize later that they made a mistake – usually when the girl gets crazy attached or they’ve been swindled out of more money than they realized.

  219. Lo says:

    aw Frank but you seem like a nice guy

  220. DorkyGuy says:

    @flyr and Frank~ I am curious what your thoughts are regarding having a SB that is dependent on your help. For me, it’s a deal-breaker. I don’t want to be in the position where if I stop helping someone, their kid is going to starve.

    On the flip side, I got to know (as friends) one SB whose SD was completely the opposite. He wanted her to be dependent on him, and only him, while she went through college. She couldn’t have a job other than pleasing him and studying. It worked well for them, but I could never get my head around it. If the guy asks her to be that dependent, then yeah, I can see that some kind of severance pay is appropriate. But the whole arrangement seems foolish to me.

  221. DorkyGuy says:

    @SDinLA~ Not only are you expected to give her a lavish goodbye present… But you (and only you) are required to send her something nice on the next Valentine’s Day! I recommend lingerie, so her new SD can enjoy it.

  222. SDinLA says:

    I find the entire concept of a golden parachute so-to-speak, for your soon-to-be former SBs to be incongruous.

    When a marriage ends, there are laws and a judicial process that govern the issues of support for a spouse, division of assets/property etc.

    When BF and GF break up, is there an expectation that the BF does something lavish to mark the end of a relationship?

    Why then, in an arrangement that is supposed to be about minimizing the drama/hassles re: “normal” dating, should there be an expectation of the SD having to spend more on spoiling his SB when it ends? Especially because, realistically, it is more often than not ending because he’s no longer happy with the arrangement.

    “It’s only fair that he does if his SB is completely dependent on him.” some claim. Well, that is why the advice many wise and experienced SBs and SDs give here is “Don’t ever let yourself be completely reliant on your SD for your finances.” Why should a SD be on the hook for someone who lets herself get completely dependent on him? As a SD, I’d be more likely to do something extravagant for a SB who had the initiative to have other things going on and did NOT rely on me to survive, but used the arrangement to improve her life/prospects.

    Some guys are generous by nature, and they may or may not do something described above, by their own choice, but I don’t think it is A. common or B. should be expected. Otherwise shouldn’t SDs expect to get a month of free sex, plus all kinds of sexual acts that were previously off the table, as a “goodbye present” from a SB that ends an arrangement?

    As I’ve stated before, my SBs were all way more on the GF end of the spectrum- GFs with a few boundaries, really. And one of the boundaries was that there was a specific end date from the get-go, as well as a clear understanding of how either of us could end it before that agreed upon end date if desired. Ergo I never had to deal with the issues raised above, but especially if many people here say most of their arrangements last 3 months on average, why would a SD be expected to go crazy to commemorate the end of it?

  223. Silkbutterflyxx says:

    I was pleasantly surprised by this blog. if only all endings could be handled in such a mature way and of course I love that last shopping spree. nice one xxx

  224. Frank says:

    It depends on how long you have been seeing each other, and as Flyr says, how dependent she is on your cash flow.

    I have had a SB who decided to stop seeing me, but never gave me any notice at all, just stopped responding to my messages. I thought that was rude.

  225. DorkyGuy says:

    I guess the most surprising thing about this blog article is that it was written by a guy.

    I imagine that Leroy will now be deluged with interest from a ton of blog reading SBs! He should have put his email at the bottom.

  226. BashfulBaby says:

    I like the idea of ending it on a good note, as well.
    Funny how this subject came up. I just received a break-up email last night, then a text/phone call this morning. They are never easy, however..especially when your heart gets involved. The next question would be: Are you ready to jump back into the Sugar game?

  227. FLYr says:

    I would put at the top of the list some advance notice by the SD if the sugar is an important part of her cash flow . Hopefully in those situations it is something that has been discussed upfront.

    Honesty would be a second gift and then all the nice material things.

  228. Jersey Darling says:

    I love the idea of ending it on a good note – the final shopping spree, etc. What girl wouldn’t like this? I wonder if most SDs do that. With mine, when they were done they were done and I either got a phone call or a text letting me know it was over.

  229. Leroy says:

    All personalities and perspectives are welcome in the blog, while personal attacks and name calling are not. It’s inevitable that there will be disagreements but let’s handle it as mature adults with class to keep the dialog constructive and respectful. Please refer to the “Blog Etiquette” for more details. For the newbies, please take a look at the “Sugar Daddy Dating Tips” section on the right for a list of commonly discussed topics and the “SD and SB Blog List” section to see the perspective of other sugars. Now comment away and let’s enjoy the blog!

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